across the garden

I am alone in a room across the garden from you.
I can see your light from my window.
I don't understand.
Why are we apart?
Why must I sleep alone again tonight?


What is so important that it is worth keeping empty homes?
What is so great that you can do with your life that you cannot share with me?
What is so important for you to do, that wouldn't be greater and more important, if in fact you shared it with me?
What are you looking for in your life that we cannot find together?
I don't understand.


Why do you let denial, rejection, and distance tear a wound between us that we cannot heal?
What is so important that you let our relationship die,
a little every day,
a little today,
a little today.

A letter to a man entitled: ‘Marriage: this is what I want from you'

I want you to respect me and care about me and any kids that we have. I want us to be happy; and to communicate always; and to make a healthy home where our kids can grow up in a good family. That means having respect, care, love, understanding, communication, trust, and the freedom to grow.

I want you to not be sexist and to respect me as an equal person. I want you to understand that our home is important and that keeping it clean makes space for everyone who lives there and makes the place more joyful. I want you to care about this and to know that this is your task as much as mine. So, if we both work, we both care for the household tasks. Respect the space where we live.

Men are capable of the things that women do,

And women are capable of things men do (like driving!).

I want us to respect each other’s opinion, and to discuss and make important decisions together.

I want total monogamy. If we are married I belong to you and you belong to me. so you ought not to do anything sexual with someone else that you wouldn’t do if I was there physically present with you doing it too. Because that is what it is like: as if I am there.

The same goes for me.

I want you to know that any person who would have an affair with a married person is not worth having an affair with. And, any feeling that makes one desire to have an affair is never love.

I want you to be honest and perceptive about your emotions, and to notice and avoid illusions. I want you to love me and our kids as much as you love yourself, or more. And I would do the same for you. That means you can’t be selfish. You can’t do things that will hurt your family just because you feel you will gain something.

I want you to be happy and to be growing healthily. I want the same for myself. That means we need trust, respect and freedom. So, you can develop your interests and have as many, or as few friends as make you happy; and to do things you enjoy. I don’t want to confine you in a prison, and I don’t want you to confine me. so long as you understand that we are a unit, you are not an independent individual, and we move together. We are on the same raft.

I don’t care if you earn a lot or a little. So long as we honestly plan our resources together for the well-being of the whole family.

I don’t care where we live, so long as I can have a decent occupation there and I can see my family (brothers, parents, cousins, aunts…) sometimes on holidays.

I want you to let me take care of my parents when they are old if they need me. and I want us to have your parents around if they need us.

           

I want us to get to know the world together, to learn new things, to grow and mature, and to share things. To share happy and sad things, new things and old.

I don’t want you to approach me as if there is some power struggle going on. I don’t want you to be governed by, and live in your head amongst your insecurities. I want you to come out and live with me in this great world. I want you to aim, life-long, to have a good relationship with me. to be loving, forgiving and charitable.

I don’t want you to be emotionally competitive – putting in “your 50%” and always checking the balance and asking for change. I want you to put in 100% no matter what. And I will put in 100%. And maybe society will put in some, and God will put in some. And then, maybe, if we have 350%, this relationship might work.

A family and a home are not bought with 50/50 = 100 cents. They cost at least 350 cents. 

There is nothing left to wonder about.

I wondered why I write
Why I write
Why I write
I wondered why I write
Why I write
all day long.


I wondered why I write
and I wondered and I wondered
I wondered why I write but I wonder no more.


I will write because I have to
I will write forever more.




                                                      and stop
                                                                  change page




I wondered who my audience is
I wanted everyone to read it
but no one to see it!
But I wonder no more.


Writing is like dancing
like walking
like talking
I will do it because I have to
I will write forever more.


Writing is like a flower growing on a rock.
If you want to, you will look, and you will see it.
But even if you don't.

Fear is a Destroyer

28.03.2011


Why are men so afraid?
Fear, I hate you.
You alienator of men
You killer of love
I hate you.




I write because I have to
Because I have to
I have to

For Luigi

A good relationship, love and communication,

Are a light

And in that light you saw yourself

And you didn’t like what you saw.

Instead of wanting to fix it,

You withdrew back into a shadowy corner

To lick your wounds.

To lick them with reasons and excuses.

That is why we broke up.

wounded men

11.02.2011

Wounded men are everywhere

Their hearts are made of mud.

They don’t take their wounds with courage

They don’t heal.

They strike back, at you, if you stand close enough.

Wounded men, you cannot heal if you do not want to.

You won't find relief, 
or joy

if it be not the utmost thing you want.

You cannot really have a woman if you cannot love her.

You cannot have me if you do not love me.

And the sad thing is then

That nor can I have you.

Wounded soldiers, you have given up.

You have changed sides.

The enemy left you alive, but only because wounded you would fight against the home front.

Men with your hearts made of mud, you have abandoned us at war.

You have let us down.

It’s a shame

It’s a shame

It’s a shame

There was love in your heart and light in your mind

But you hold the key to both

And your guard dog is angry.

What ought I to do?

Ought I to stay here and fight

Perhaps to bury the dead amongst you?

Or do I cover my face once more, and walk on amongst this land infested

And live to tell your story to a better day?

It is time for a dedication to an old friend. This is 'I am hurting inside' by Bob Marley

When I was just a little child (little child)
Happiness was there awhile (there awhile)
And from me it... it slipped one day 
Happiness come back I say

Cause if you don't come
I've got to go looking
For happiness

Well if you don't come
I've got to go looking
God, for happiness, happiness

Say that
Say I'm hurting
And it's no sense
I'm hurting, I'm hurting
Deep inside
Oh good god now

Oh hear my cry, hear my cry
Yeah my my my my my my my cry

Been together like school children (school children)
Then you hurt me just in vain (just in vain)
Oh, Lord, I'm your weary child
Oh, happiness come back awhile

Cause if you don't come
I'm gonna go looking
For happiness (the road is dangerous)
I've got to go looking
For happiness, happiness

Said I'm
Don't you know I'm
I'm hurting, hurting inside
Oh I'm hurting 
Who cares
Who cares

Does the one who love, oh
Feel the pain
Feel the pain

Does the one who love
Feel the pain
Feel the pain

(Been together like school children)

I wasted my time

I wasted my time

I didn’t waste my time because I met you

I didn’t waste my time because I came close enough to see you

I didn’t waste my time because I hadn’t found a thing to see

I didn’t waste my time because it was you

I wasted my time because there was a river

A divide between us

And we never crossed it

And in it fell everything

And it swept it away. 

today

We could have spent our time getting to know each-other

And getting to know the world

And making our own place in the world

Digging our own hole in the ocean

If we were in the same boat

If we had taken the basic simple things for granted

If we had a ground to walk on

If we had love

Can you tell me that we didn’t waste our time if we didn’t do that?

An old, pointless piece of writing

or,
Another Complaint that Tells Something about Me, but Nothing about the World


or,
an ode to my heart




23.09.08


Are you living with the man you love?
Because I am not.
When cold winds came we sought shelter separately, and left each other to manage alone.
and then
Time,
and The World came in and sat between us.


I lost him amongst the corpses and the ruins that populate this earth
and which keep us living apart for decades on end,
by breathing their lies into our ears and guiding us falsely
to that NOWHERE;
where one despairs and spits blood.


But for all my faults and willingness to entertain substance-less figures,
my heart never betrayed me or my love.
I imposed on it,
asking it to accept other men and situations which I fancied.
I insulted it,
for its stubbornness.
And I tired it,
with endless attempts to stuff it.


But my heart nevertheless stayed true to its core.
In its silent resistance
and forceful dismissal of what was not true,
it pulled me out of pits.


For this I am grateful
and because of this I am happy.