Friday, April 29

forgetting and remembering

I pawned what I felt with
my body, and knew
with my mind
for some pride
and an easy ride.

I had forgotten that what I
store in my closet will with
time deteriorate
and what I try to organise
is bound to deviate.



I had a dream
 that we were lost at sea
Just you and I

And there was nothing around
us, but water and sky

But I woke and the dream
was over
and the good feeling was

And I cried over our love
and for what we've done.


Wallenius beaver

And you won't lift your head to look at me
And you have tears running down your face
And I feel like the bigger asshole,
with the artificial grace.

I don't know how to touch you
So I sit by your side and watch you
And I don't know what to say.


i've gone outside and I've sat in the rain.
I hear nothing, and further away
there's some noise.

I am a little bit cold, and a little bit wet, but most of all I'm ok.



I got my love proof jacket on
and i am going to town.
I'm gonna find the enemy,
and I'm gonna shoot him down.



The devil, he lives in my bathroom.
And he watches me as I bathe.
But I dont talk to him
and he doesn't talk to me
For there isn't much more to say.


Sunday, April 17

The cul-de-sac

I am in a cul-de-sac crying.
I have stopped crying now!

I went wrong, I will get up and go again.
If I stop now I will die, my body will die, my back will break, my legs will not hold out, my head will black out, my back will break, my head will burst open and out of it will grow cancer.
I won't stop now.
I won't become fertilizer yet.
I won't become a deformed rotted plant that never found the sun.

I will find the sun.
I will walk again.
I have stopped crying now.

No white horse, no shinning man will come find me here.
No one will wake me if I rest my head. 

Tuesday, April 12

dressing up

In the warmth of daylight,
in the silence of an empty home at midday,
have you ever seen?

A girl going up the stairs.
Her quiet excitement is tangible.
The world around her is enriched with joy; with the joy of being filled with treasure,
of brimming over with hidden goods and secret wonders.

To her right, at the top of the stairs, there is the bedroom.
She is coming from the kitchen that opens out into the yard, so the bedroom with its closed shutters looks dark, and feels cold on her skin.
She opens the top shutters to let in light, but so that she still cannot be seen from the road. The sound of wood and metals colliding, and of occasional male voices - the sound of builders building on a warm spring day – travels into the room.

She knows she is uninvited. She knows she is not wanted to be going in; and looking through; and touching the things. But that only means that she has to do it now that she is alone, and it means that she has to leave everything like she found it, as if untouched. She cannot leave behind any trace of these blissful moments;
of these secret discoveries; of these happy encounters with the wealth of life. 

She is comfortable in the day's heat, she is excited about the particular little things about her. She has only to reach out, when no one is looking, and touch them.

Have you ever seen a young girl trying on her mother’s clothes and jewelry, looking through her drawers? The clothes hanging gracelessly from her unshaped body, the shoulders of the clothes unsupported by her own. The shoes too big for her feet. 

She assesses herself in the mirror. Not yet. These adult clothes don’t look quit right on her just yet. She must still be too young. But she leans into the mirror, she looks at her face, and she does not see it. She does not see the youth. She sees in her eyes one hundred years of solitude; she sees her cheekbones set – like boulders at the sea are set: permanently so that they can withstand all the waves of the ocean. She sees an old woman looking back at her. Through the mirror, from her face, coming through. She sees also her dark honey brown skin, her sun-burnt hair.  

She takes off the round gold-colored clip-on earrings and lays them back. She takes off everything and lays it back, as if untouched by herself, like she found it. With just her t-shirt, her shorts, and that old face that others don’t see, she leaves leaving everything as she had found it.