A letter to a man entitled: ‘Marriage: this is what I want from you'

I want you to respect me and care about me and any kids that we have. I want us to be happy; and to communicate always; and to make a healthy home where our kids can grow up in a good family. That means having respect, care, love, understanding, communication, trust, and the freedom to grow.

I want you to not be sexist and to respect me as an equal person. I want you to understand that our home is important and that keeping it clean makes space for everyone who lives there and makes the place more joyful. I want you to care about this and to know that this is your task as much as mine. So, if we both work, we both care for the household tasks. Respect the space where we live.

Men are capable of the things that women do,

And women are capable of things men do (like driving!).

I want us to respect each other’s opinion, and to discuss and make important decisions together.

I want total monogamy. If we are married I belong to you and you belong to me. so you ought not to do anything sexual with someone else that you wouldn’t do if I was there physically present with you doing it too. Because that is what it is like: as if I am there.

The same goes for me.

I want you to know that any person who would have an affair with a married person is not worth having an affair with. And, any feeling that makes one desire to have an affair is never love.

I want you to be honest and perceptive about your emotions, and to notice and avoid illusions. I want you to love me and our kids as much as you love yourself, or more. And I would do the same for you. That means you can’t be selfish. You can’t do things that will hurt your family just because you feel you will gain something.

I want you to be happy and to be growing healthily. I want the same for myself. That means we need trust, respect and freedom. So, you can develop your interests and have as many, or as few friends as make you happy; and to do things you enjoy. I don’t want to confine you in a prison, and I don’t want you to confine me. so long as you understand that we are a unit, you are not an independent individual, and we move together. We are on the same raft.

I don’t care if you earn a lot or a little. So long as we honestly plan our resources together for the well-being of the whole family.

I don’t care where we live, so long as I can have a decent occupation there and I can see my family (brothers, parents, cousins, aunts…) sometimes on holidays.

I want you to let me take care of my parents when they are old if they need me. and I want us to have your parents around if they need us.

           

I want us to get to know the world together, to learn new things, to grow and mature, and to share things. To share happy and sad things, new things and old.

I don’t want you to approach me as if there is some power struggle going on. I don’t want you to be governed by, and live in your head amongst your insecurities. I want you to come out and live with me in this great world. I want you to aim, life-long, to have a good relationship with me. to be loving, forgiving and charitable.

I don’t want you to be emotionally competitive – putting in “your 50%” and always checking the balance and asking for change. I want you to put in 100% no matter what. And I will put in 100%. And maybe society will put in some, and God will put in some. And then, maybe, if we have 350%, this relationship might work.

A family and a home are not bought with 50/50 = 100 cents. They cost at least 350 cents.