Wrong turns in the road. Standing there, looking, but still, not seeing.

By midday I’m

Day dreaming

of being no where

being with no one at all.

Deceiving myself

that if I left from here

I’d find something more.

Sitting in the kitchen

Closed the door

Daydreaming of being, no where at all.

I’ve closed the windows

shut the shutters

trying to keep out all else

to find out what matters.

The refrigerator buzzes, and a light comes from it.

And a queer yearning invites me, to close myself in.

As the space gets smaller

And I feel frustration

My mind comes back to me

And my will for deviation.

2000

to the Unknown

I waited for you until dark, and then I walked

all the way home

to wait for you there.

I waited until morning.

till the milkman came, and the postman did the same.

And I’d ask them if they’ve seen you,

but I do not know your name.

I went down to the town,

and I looked around

in the crowd

for you.

But I do not know your face.

May 2000

a true revolution

A true revolution can only take place in your hearts and then the social change is only its outcome. Otherwise it’s just an act of frustration without a true understanding of the problem, and so you overthrow the one repressive regime, only to make space for the next one.

April 2002.

whilst flying

Today everything is soft like the air and I am almost afraid to go home: where emotions are strong and people are loud.

People become nations with borders and sickness and death,

And I can travel between them but I cannot be in them

Because they are only ever around you, outside you.

Lies based on lies lied by liar after liar,

Words, sounds, definitions,

Mostly made to differentiate, separate. End.

Traveling through time space from one reality to another in the aircraft

with people – ‘others’ – traveling through time space from one reality to another

sitting down breathing.

April 2002

a dispelling

Love the day and love the night,

For never has there been a truth more bright.

Where there is love there is life,

And without, the darkness is in reign.

And death.

1998

The revolution

Love is not static. It is the ultimate revolution. Ultimate in the sense that it is infinite!

This fact means that it will overthrow every wall, and you will need to be able to go with it. Accept this.

To love you cannot be devoted to anything else other than love.

2000

Sitting in sunlight

In the warmth of God’s love, in the light.

In the warmth of winter sun, in the morning.

To those of you who have not felt it, what can I say?

To those of you who feel it all the time but do not recognize it, what can I say?

I can say thank you to God, and he who has ears let him hear.

Understand one thing

God never said that women ought to be obedient to men.

He said that wives need to be obedient to their husbands.

One is not obedient to their husband because he is a man.

But because he is their husband.

It is a division of labor that is necessary for the accomplishment of a difficult and vital task.

It is as if you decide to take a long journey together, and to help one another cross a vast dessert.

Will you do your part? Yes.

Will you do your part? Yes.

Agreed.

Then let us embark.

There is a mutual dependence, and respect.

It is not that man is placed on the whole above woman.

It is rather than man is made as only a part,

of a whole

a whole that includes the wife.

They are not an andras and a gyneka –

But both together and inseparably are the androgyno.

How can you Man be better, or more important, or more valuable than your wife in the marriage,

when in a marriage you do not exist apart from her?

So when you look at a woman – every woman – know:

That you are looking at a person, like any person, and give her the due respect.

And when you look at your wife know:

That she – another person – and you, have agreed to work together

and have agreed to take on this task;

that each will do their part;

and that only with all the parts do you have a whole.

Without her you are not a boat – you are just some logs.

And give her the respect that is due.

But again, let me say it once more:

-       not every woman owes you obedience

-       and your wife is fulfilling a function and serving a role. Not for you ‘because you are king’. But for you and the entire family, and for God. Because you have a long way to go; because this is significant; because you are in the middle of a dessert, and however you do this, you need it to work.

She is carrying the same burden – sharing it with you. So work together as one, 
and show her the love that is due.

You are working together

You are in the army of God, on a mission together.

Co-operate, and be one another’s joy.

Rely on each other,

Trust one another,

And be one another’s shelter.

You are on enemy land;

You have one Commander;

You share a mission;

Co-operate

You have one another.

In response to my reader

Dear Gregor,

I wanted to say something regarding you comment to me the other day.

Particularly this: that we become attached to sin through our passions and our real actual needs and wants. That hence it is hard to even ‘want to be rid of sin’.

I have been reading and hearing some relevant theology around this matter recently, which I think goes a little something like this. (please forgive me my choppy use of these notions):

1. This summer I read a priest who says that the passions are not something bad that we need to uproot and be rid of. They are not as such evil energies that we need to eliminate and become flat. He says that these passions are the energies that God gave us, but they have become corrupted.

He says that God gave us infinite energies. If these energies are properly directed, towards God (that means also towards other people IN THE LOVE OF GOD) then all is great. They are infinite energies, and only the infinite Good can satisfy them. If they are turned towards God, then they are infinitely satisfied, and we are infinitely satisfied, without end.

But if these energies are directed away from their true aim – if they are directed towards creation which is finite and ‘created’ – then they are infinitely frustrated. Nothing created and limited can ever satisfy an infinite need. Nothing. 

They (your energies) will crush the creature through their force of infinite desire. And, alongside this, they will be left unsatisfied. And you will be left in pain. 

That is why we can only properly love one another through God. that is one reason why God says leave your family and friends and love me. turn everything to me. give everything to me. because it is ONLY in this manner that we can love one another, and appreciate creation. Only.

There is nothing wrong with creation. God made it. He saw it, and said that it is good.
there is nothing wrong with our energies, our wants and our desires. God made them, he saw them and was glad. he said they are good.
but you cannot direct your desires and needs towards the created.
It's not a sentimental matter, or even really plainly a moral matter. 
it is a matter of fact. 
these are the physical laws of spiritual reality.

Only the infinite can satisfy the infinite. Do not be rid of your energies, do not try to do away with them. We do not abolish the passions. We cleanse them and redirect them towards their real aim. they are our hands with which we will grab onto the Lord and have life eternal. (right now! life eternal includes the life right now also). God gave us these infinite energies so that we can be with him and share in his infinite goodness. 

We learn the truth about our selves and we seek that which is truly good and that which we actually really want.  
It's a matter of fact. 
The truth will set you free. 
Knowing the truth about yourself, and about God, will set you free. From all passionate attachment, from all sin, from every prison. 
Renew your ‘passions’, put them in the space of God where they are not crammed but they can grow and spread out like the skies. 

When we say only God is good, we mean it. we really mean it. do you see?

Realize that you are trying to eat something that could never feed you. 
And let sin go. Don’t waste your time.

2. We say ‘Accept Lord…the voice of my supplication…that I too may become a companion of the prudent virgins with the shining lamp of my soul, and may glorify you, God the Word, who are glorified with the Father and the Spirit. Amen.’

Be prudent. Yes, do seek for what you want and need. And you do need these things and more besides. Our needs and wants are in fact infinite. But don’t be an idiot. Look for life where you will actually find it.

But you don’t just want some theoretical relationship with God? You want relationships with other real people? You want people to see you and know you and communicate with you and love you and appreciate you and share with you? Of course you do. We all want that. But all that exists only in God. Without God, without the love of God, nothing can be together, the distance between persons can never be bridged. Not by anything. Not if you wear handcuffs with someone and live on top of each other. Not if you talk all day. Not even if you are inside one another all day. Nothing. Nothing can bridge the gap of isolation but the love of God. So let us not be idiots, but look for what we need there, where it actually is to be found.

3. St. seraphim of Sarov says: be prudent. Shop well. Spend your talents well. Do not be left without the light of God but go forth to the feast now while the doors are open.  Do not sell your inheritance for a bowl of soup.

4. So what I am trying to say is this: we don’t turn from sin so as to never be satisfied – sitting on a hill and meditating our way to zenland. We turn from sin because we really need to be satisfied, because we must be satisfied, because we have to. And we don’t waste time, we turn now, because we want it right now.

right here

right now.

we don’t settle for some pretend nonsense.

We don’t settle for anything. Nothing. (Don’t be an idiot)

we don’t follow a carrot we will never eat, we go to the Feast of feasts.

We know that our own will and our own wants are easily fooled and misdirected, and that – without the help of God – we are not even able of wanting that which we really want. So we say ‘May Your will be done and not mine’. Because God knows what we need and want – he made us. And he is good and loves mankind. And he came so that we may have life and have to the full. And we say ‘lead us not into temptation but deliver us from evil’ – because we know that we are surrounded by lies and that we have no discernment, and that if we are left to our own devices we will want the wrong things and stay hungry.

We say ‘give us this day our daily bread’ – because only God can do that. And because we need it. We turn to God because we are hungry. We are so hungry! We are starving. We want and we want and we want. Everything. We do not need to try to erase our hunger and then turn to God – pretending to be like immaterial spirits. No. We say ‘give us this day our daily bread’ oh God, you, who are the source of life and of all good things, lover of mankind, our only Savor. You, the only Source.

Read what Alexander Schmemman says in For the Life of the World. He says: you are what you eat.

Forgive me for being so presumptuous. 

The astute

of tricksters

the market place if full

they sell charades

and empty glamour

Do not be a fool. 

What father said (an essay or a poem)

In the market place of our life

- in the agora where we meet and act –

I want but one thing.

I will be shrewd

I should be smart

And being kind does not mean being soft and forever nicy

In the market place of our life

we ought not to be trampled on and robbed.

we should be keen and able traders

we should be smart

To keep our eye only on the greatest treasure

On the pearl of the greatest price

And not be run over by any cheap seller selling us crap.

I know what I want

I want it all.

I have my time 

I have my life

I have my soul

I will trade it all.

I know what I want.

I want everything.

What is the best price I can get for my time?

For the motion of my heart

and the inclinations of my mind

For my body 

For my education?

My thoughts?

My labor

My western privilege

My eastern heart

My intelligence

My beauty

My sexuality, my time, my ability, my weakness, my heart

With my past

my future

my people.

their opinion of me, and their acts?

My wealth,

my poverty, my power

my time.

How should I trade

and what can I get that will last me

and always be mine?

Glory to God, I know what I want.

(Do I need to say it?)

I will sell everything

And follow Christ.

marble tiles

Sin is like boulders and stones that lie on me.

On top of me

As I lie, flat, pressed to the ground.

Each time God lifts a sin

I feel more free

I feel more light

My heart rejoices

I am more free

I pray, that one day, I will stand up.

May I see every sin

May I know every one of my offenses

So that I can repent.

So that I can turn away, walk away from it, be rid of it

be free

be released from its grip

be cleansed from the death it brings

be released from its chains.

May I not waste a moment

Not a single moment

not a second of a second

of this life,

not seeing my sin, not rejecting it, not being freed.

As fast as I can

May I run as fast as I can

And take the shortest route

And stop for nothing.

Run like a flash.

Linger for nothing behind.

Be freed.