Because I don’t feel comfortable about expressing my displeasure.
Because I feel that the other person will reject me for complaining if I express my hurt, my disappointment, my dissatisfaction or my need.
Because I expect that the other person will push me away, or leave me, for complaining.
Therefore I leave first.
Therefore I express my dissatisfaction as my reason for leaving.
Therefore I say ‘I cannot stay here I am leaving because this situation hurts me’.
I don’t just say ‘this situation hurts me.’
Meaning ‘I don’t want to leave I want to stay but to fix it’
Because I want to make it easier on the other.
Because I expect them to not want to deal with me.
Therefore I leave.
But I hope they will stop me.
And I am even more hurt that they don’t.
Do I hurt myself, or do you hurt me by letting me go?
Did I not try first in very many ways, and clearly, to say to you what I feel?
Before it became a complaint,
Whilst it was still a concern?
Didn’t I say it?
Didn’t you hear?
Didn’t you reject me already,
Each and every time,
When I tried, and you heard, but ignored?
Didn’t you make me a moaner when you overlooked the need for communication in every relationship
And about how that takes two?
I don’t want to be a moaner and so I will let you go.
Am I being unloving in letting you go?
Am I being unkind?
Should I understand your difficulty with communication?
Should I stay here and care for you instead of reacting?
Am I not seeking your respect when I leave?
When I say I cant be treated like this am I not doing it for the sake of both of us, for is it not as hurtful for you to treat me so as it is for me to be treated so?
No? Some would say no. Perhaps Christianity would say no
Perhaps it would say have unconditional love
Seek to love and do not seek to be loved.
Perhaps it would say ‘seek not respect for yourself but the wellbeing of the other’.
It would would it not?
But would Christianity allow me to walk away?
To say, ‘we don’t communicate well enough. Let me leave so that you will be more happy and I will be more happy, and any future kids either of us might have will be more happy’.
Is that not love?
But am I just playing with words?
Just complicating what is simple,
Do I know, do I not know?
I was hurt,
And I acted this way.
I felt eager to reach you, but you were not there and I was made ashamed.
And call it pride
And say that love cannot happen with pride
And say that I was wrong
And that I ran away
And that it is unreasonable for me to want you to run after me too.
But there it is, I do.
And I have left you.