six post meridiem

He called at 6pm. That is a good time. It is after the siesta period during which it is rude to phone households – but not just immediately after. So it showed that he is considerate, but also not rushed. It was a planned phone call, he had thought about it – it wasn’t just from a burst of emotion.

He said Hello How Are You? Of course she recognized who he was. He made a quick joke and laughed himself. During their conversation, she was involved and engaging, in her usual straightforward no-frills manner. But she was reserved. Her attitude said I Can’t Give You Any More If You Don’t Start Taking Responsibility For Your Side And If You Don’t Man-Up And Engage With Me Honestly. He knew that she meant it, though he probably didn’t know what his part was. He knew he had been a disappointment. But he called – that was something.

He said Look, Come And Meet Me For An Afternoon, Do You Want To? And Don’t Plan Anything Else For the Evening, Let’s Have All The Time We Need. I Won’t Plan Anything Either. We Can Stay All Night.

Fine.

Good.  

Then

Her heartbeat beat faster. Physically, nervousness and anxiety feel the same, whether it be because you are excited or because you are frightened. You cannot distinguish, if it is a good thing you are looking forward to, or a bad thing.

She walked up and down the house and did things quickly. She danced to a few songs in her room – that always calms her down – but she did so carefully. She didn’t want her mother downstairs to hear her feet stamping and suspect that any emotional expression was taking place above her.

She showered, and let her hair dry naturally. That way her curls are bouncier. She put on something comfortable – in any case she knows: that she looks good in everything when she wears it with ‘ease’. “I won’t say that much”, she promises herself. “I will let him talk, and see what he has to say of his own accord”. She doesn’t want to guide the conversation this time. She wants to hear what is in his own heart, and what his thoughts are.

She sits on a chair and tries to breathe well. Welling up inside her she feels the anxiety. She knows what it is. It is a rush of hope trying to make it through, but dragging up with it, suppressed tears of disappointment, and words of discontent and reaction against being let down repeatedly. Words that were never heard, and which now, linger on still like a ghost is said to linger in a place, if it is frustrated, because its purpose was never accomplished before the persons death. Hope comes up in her like a stick would surface from a dirty still pond – with figs and gunk attached to its sides.   

These are words that he might never hear. These are her truths that he rejects, because he does not like to accept any responsibility for his part in what went wrong. She knows that by now. She is not frustrated by this anymore. She is independent, and rather strong. She acknowledges her fear, but she does not let it get out of hand. If this, this meeting this evening, is another half-assed bit of socialization where they are to pretend that everything is ok, but they are not to show one another the feelings, and the realizations that inhabit them, then so be it. She will not pretend to be content with him, but she will not surface anything that he chooses to avoid. She will see what he wants, and then leave again. She can do that. She has had to do that before. She does not expect, and she does not hope, that he will care to communicate genuinely with her. Not with all the things that that would mean. If she cannot be pleasant, then at least she can be calm and reserved.

If he does seek to communicate, if he does say: “there is something between us, what is it? Let us look at it. I have something and you have something. Let us look at what we have and what we are for each other. Let us be honest about what is between us, let us speak and communicate. You carry something that you got from me, let me see what it is, tell me about it”. If he does say that, then of course, she will speak. And she will listen. There is no point in playing games about these things.

Otherwise, she has self-respect and a keen sense of dignity. She will not ask this man to share something with her  that he does not want to, that he does not choose to. Frankly, you cannot get someone to do that even if she meant to. She does not know how.

How will this meeting go? She cannot know. As is, she cannot hope either. She will see. But she is ready.

It is ok if you cry. If you cry in front of someone, in such a situation, it is not a bad thing. It is not a sign of weakness. I did not know that for a long time. But now she knows it. She might cry. If it happens she won’t stop it. It is not something to be anxious about.