Then and now (or, an ode to the art muse)

Take some points and make a form.

Make a form and give it a name

Blow life into it

Let it recognize you

Let it be independent and free and living, intelligent, and beautiful

So its recognition of you will matter.

Make a lover.

Have a person see you and love you.

or, rather than make him,

Find him out there looking.

Then, and now.

There is a spirit out there bigger than my heart

Of different nature from my heart,

I can’t contain it

It feels like it will explode me

All I can do is look at its shadow after it has passed,

Imagine it before it comes

And still

My heartbeat swells in my ribs, and it might break

What can I do?

I can close my eyes

And let the music carry me.

Let the art around me carry me

On its back

Relish my two tears

Feel in touch with this great love that I haven’t seen or touched

The love behind the shadows that my eyes see

Behind the illusions my hands touch

Memories from the years before come to me traveling in the mist of this Unknown love. I feel I need to communicate, to create,

To speak, or to touch

Something

Though never is there anyone here

or anything here to be touched

or to hear my memory

nor can I create for I have no art.

If I had a guitar and I could make music I would spill everything I have into the music flow

I am outside, I am not on the inside.

The music does not contain me

I cannot make it

I am an outsider

A beggar

At the feet of this Unknown feeling of great happiness that comes sometimes

With memories from the past

And oppresses my heart

That lets me feel so useless and incapable of participating

Of touching

Of speaking it

Or making the art

Of stepping outside of time and space

incapable of walking over to where the love is,

going and touching it.

I am a prisoner of time and reality.

I am chained at the hands and feet.

I am in a long chain and we are dragged on and we are made to keep moving

And I walk past the landscape

And in the land and in the sky I see beautiful beings

And times

So beautiful

And loveable

And my heart breaks

And the Shadow of this Uknown immense joy suppresses my heart.

I want to break free from my chains

From the chains of time and space and reality!

I want to stop this procession

And break free.

I want my hands free

And my legs free

To walk over to that beautiful

Beautiful being from my memory

And caress him

And speak to him face to face, one person to another

I want to hold him and be honest

I am a prisoner, bound hands and feet in this chain of time and space we call reality. I am dragged along

I can look around me at the landscape and it breaks my heart

I don’t know what breaks my heart more

Is it the happy things I see? The loveable, the beautiful things I see?

Or is it the dry dead filthy things.

I walk on past and I cant touch any of them. I cannot stop to talk with any of them.

And my fellow prisoners

Are just that

Fellow prisoners

You taunt me Uknown beauty

You come to me only as a memory

You come to me as a dream and a beauty out of my reach

You touch my heart but you wont let me touch you

My hands and feet are chained in time and space

And you let me feel like the past is real

Like all that beauty is there in the field before me

Only I cant go there.

I see you beautiful past

I see you, o souls of all those beautiful people

All of you souls who tried

And made something beautiful

All of you who made music

And art

And beauty of your lives

I see you

And I love you

And I live my life to honor you

And when ever I see you as I pass by the road chained

Restrained like a prisoner

I cry with gladness and I am overwhelmed

But I cannot touch you

I cannot come over and speak to you.

Face to face,

Like to persons

Like only the children of Gods can ever do.

I can bear the weight of your beauty

And I can persevere

And I can work with my head down

And maybe you will come to me

And talk to me

There is a chance

That peace will come in my life

There is a chance

That my song will come out to you

That we will meet one day

One day

We might meet

There, in the center of the world

In that sunny valley

I do not know how, 

I don’t know how I could come to be there in the valley

I cannot imagine it

How I will stand one day

Free from the chains of time and space!

and all of the beautiful beings will be there around me

And I can go over and speak with them

And we wont be restrained

And we wont belong to anyone

And all the possibilities of good things will be realized

All of them

And nothing will be wasted

And nothing will be a shame.

Unknown Lover, you taunt me and you oppress my heart with your beauty

But what can I do but bear it quietly?

What can I do but walk through the snow and strive?

What can I do but wait?

And hope.

I don’t know who you are

I don’t know what you want from me

Do you want my soul o Art?

What can I do but wait?

You sit on my chest

And you have my mind sitting like an imbecile sucking on its lolly.

What do you want from me overwhelming feeling of lost untouched beauties?

You taunt me

And you oppress my heart

With the shadow of beauty

I can only bow down to, and beg like a beggar

I can only look on the feast of the could-have-been-but-can-never-be

And walk on

Like the chained prisoner that I am

In the chain of time

And space.


02. December 2010