Just a notice

O happy day!

What a happy day was today.

I taught a tutorial and did of it a good job.

I watched people learn,

I saw them awaken to thought.

I found a big chair by a window,

and had a proper hot chocolate,

and read CS Lewis: the abolition of man.

The quality of his work is inspiring, it is joyful, it is exhilarating and exciting.

How I love good quality work!

How my mind feasts on good quality thought!

I feel the fun and the pleasure abound.

Questions are born in me, and answering them is my joyful project.

I can use all of this, I can make more good work.

My heart rejoices, my mind laughs.

And tonight I will see my true friends.

Other people who love truth and seek it.

Some old people, some priests, a little family, some students, a guy.

I will go to vespers.

I will bow my head to the Lord

And in thanksgiving I will rejoice

I cannot express my thankfulness enough.

Being there will not be enough to express my joy.

I will ask God to have mercy on me and never to leave me.

My heart will reach for His Grace.

Ever so minutely.

I cannot reach for God.

I cannot even try.

All I will do is be there, and be glad.

Holy Holy Holy art thou o Lord and only thou art Holy

Seek the kingdom of heaven and the rest will be added to you.

The future is bright

The present is rich

It is spring in my heart

Like everyday, in company with my Creator, it is spring in my heart.

My poetry will become outdated

Irrelevant

Lost in time,

Like everything it will pass away.

Like my sentiments, both good and bad, will pass away.

But the Truth will not.

If we can just take a little hint,

and a little tint

from one another,

and pass it on.

Poets of old, I don’t care in fact anymore for what you did.

Like no one will care for mine.

But I appreciate it.

I hope you spoke of the truth in your time.

I hope I can speak of it in mine.  

remembrance

They tell you that it is all known.

That it is closed and decided.

That they have the power and the knowledge, and that you need to follow them and be fed it by them.

The world is art and you are free

Genius is new and it follows its own truth.

Don’t follow them, follow the truth.

The world is art and we are free.

The doors are open, the sky is high, the air is fresh, they know nothing.

You were not born into a world that is old, or finished, or known.

They know nothing.

The world is art and we are free.

If you cannot breath then open a window.

If the dust has settled then clean out your heart.

Lighten your mind by throwing out sin.

Lighten your pack by throwing out your sin.

Leave all your nonsense behind.

Follow the truth and do not stay huddled in a lie.

Kick off this loathsome clutter

Beat off this clingy stuff.

Open a window, clean out your crap.

It’s not over yet.

Let me tell you a practical thing:

There are other people there who have lived, who look and see, who incline their ears and hear.

You are not alone out there. There, where the meeting of the minds and of hearts really happens, it is there that really you will meet.

Come out

at a distance from God

At a distance from God there is darkness and death

There is illness.

The thought of that space is repugnant

Everything about it is wrong.

Not for a second would I want to be there.

Not for a moment could I stand it

Not at all could I bear it.

Breathing would be easier at the bottom of the sea.

So then how could I have lived there for so long?

Why do I speak about God all the time?

Why do I write, again and again, about this same love?

Why do I sing you the same song?

Does it become not a bore?

I do so because one is Holy, one is Lord.

Because every good thing comes from on high

Because besides God nothing is good.

I write about it because it is all I have.

In truth I am ill and it is my only hope.

I am dying, and of healing it is my only source.

I am underwater in a sinking ship, and there is only one little spot, one little space where the water is not.

One little corner of air.

I swim to the surface, I tilt my head and keep my mouth in that spot.

Only there do I breath.

When I speak with God.

I keep my self there, in that little crack of air and I wait. I wait for heaven. I wait for more.

I wait. 

good morning

I wanted to write to You, because speaking with you brings me peace.

I wanted to look at You, because Your sight is my joy.

I need Your rest.

I need Your rest so that I can go on.

I need Your peace so that I can do Your hard work.

Your burden is light because You carry it for me.

Your joy is enough because it is full.

I turn to You because I want to hear Your voice.

I look up and around for the light in Your eyes is the light of Love.

You are my home.

Come back.

Dear God. Thank You for being everywhere present and filling all things.

There is nothing else here

There is no one else here

There is nothing for me but what you give.

Without you there is a void.

It is in looking for You that I find.

It is in Your light that I see

And outside there it is only dark.

I long for You, and I am glad that You are here.

You hold on to me and I know not how to hold on to you. 
And I am glad that you do not let me go.

There are not words that matter

But words I use

Because with them I stall.

With them I traverse time

With them You stop a little,

And I can take a look.

Love, you are the light of the world.

You give me life.

good morning to you

This is a wish and a prayer, a good morning and a hello.

I miss You and I thank You for being.

In moments of silence You are there,

In corners of streets flowers grow.

Through windows and cracks sunlight comes in, and rests eternally peacefully, on creation and place.

You are my joy. You are in my life always.

My life is with You

And for You.

You are the only moment when life is.

In between

And everywhere

You smile at me.

There is your peace, and your rest, in the weight of the sun; in the way it sits on the pavement; on the chair; on my mind.

In the silence You are there. You are the joy of the world and I travel with You in your pocket.

Come back. 

Come back and quiet this noise. Make peaceful this place. End this make-belief. Make the darkness a soft shade. Warm the cold metals. Take me with you. Come back.  

(if you do not want dog hair on your living room carpet)

To God he is worth £100

I will not steal him, I will not bargain with him,

And I would not buy him for £20

Even if he were willing to sell himself cheap.

God made him like this.

And then He redeemed him with His blood so that he can be.

So that he is free to be.

And God fed him and raised him.

He made him like that, and like this and like this.

So, I could not belittle him, but only let him be. Even help him to be.

And if I love him I will let him grow;

Respect what he is

And pay for him the fullest price.

If he is like a beautiful container that God formed to contain joy, I could not want to leave him half full.

If you do not have a yard for your dog to run in and to bury his bones therein,

don’t get a dog.

If you don’t have a yard but only a porch, get a flower but not a tree.

If you do not care to learn don't become a teacher.

And if you will not love a man and support him to be,

then don’t stand in his way.

I speak of myself

What stupidity it is

and how ungrateful,

to be turned from God.

To turn away from God

To choose anything else, to refuse to Love.

How dirty,

how loathsome,

how poor.

If only we could see our selves,

as we really are.

We would cry.

December  

Things I will never tell that everyone will know

I will love him.

If it is God’s will,

If it will be, we can be married.

But I will love him anyway.

I will love him from now.

In the details of my mind, in the motions of my thoughts, I will prefer the acts of love.

For he is a person.

From this very moment, by default, every choice I will make will be an act of love.

Because I want to be free of vileness.

And I want to be kind.

It does not matter ‘where this will go’.

How would predicting the future effect the facts?

He is a human being.

A child of God.

And I must show him love.

The kindness of his mind, and of his heart

impresses me and teaches me how to be.

The smell of his soul is fresh

And the space of his heart is wide

And the pastures of his mind are green.

I thank you Lord,

I thank you God,

That you have shown me this.

How did I ever live in that distance

In that darkness away from God?

How did I ever survive in that death for so long?

In that death I stayed – though barely – alive

But now more and more each day, I live.

My Lord

My God

I owe you my life

I owe you my being

And my whole heart.

Of course I will love Your persons,

how can I not?

December

Wrong turns in the road. Standing there, looking, but still, not seeing.

By midday I’m

Day dreaming

of being no where

being with no one at all.

Deceiving myself

that if I left from here

I’d find something more.

Sitting in the kitchen

Closed the door

Daydreaming of being, no where at all.

I’ve closed the windows

shut the shutters

trying to keep out all else

to find out what matters.

The refrigerator buzzes, and a light comes from it.

And a queer yearning invites me, to close myself in.

As the space gets smaller

And I feel frustration

My mind comes back to me

And my will for deviation.

2000

to the Unknown

I waited for you until dark, and then I walked

all the way home

to wait for you there.

I waited until morning.

till the milkman came, and the postman did the same.

And I’d ask them if they’ve seen you,

but I do not know your name.

I went down to the town,

and I looked around

in the crowd

for you.

But I do not know your face.

May 2000

a true revolution

A true revolution can only take place in your hearts and then the social change is only its outcome. Otherwise it’s just an act of frustration without a true understanding of the problem, and so you overthrow the one repressive regime, only to make space for the next one.

April 2002.

whilst flying

Today everything is soft like the air and I am almost afraid to go home: where emotions are strong and people are loud.

People become nations with borders and sickness and death,

And I can travel between them but I cannot be in them

Because they are only ever around you, outside you.

Lies based on lies lied by liar after liar,

Words, sounds, definitions,

Mostly made to differentiate, separate. End.

Traveling through time space from one reality to another in the aircraft

with people – ‘others’ – traveling through time space from one reality to another

sitting down breathing.

April 2002

a dispelling

Love the day and love the night,

For never has there been a truth more bright.

Where there is love there is life,

And without, the darkness is in reign.

And death.

1998

The revolution

Love is not static. It is the ultimate revolution. Ultimate in the sense that it is infinite!

This fact means that it will overthrow every wall, and you will need to be able to go with it. Accept this.

To love you cannot be devoted to anything else other than love.

2000

Sitting in sunlight

In the warmth of God’s love, in the light.

In the warmth of winter sun, in the morning.

To those of you who have not felt it, what can I say?

To those of you who feel it all the time but do not recognize it, what can I say?

I can say thank you to God, and he who has ears let him hear.

Understand one thing

God never said that women ought to be obedient to men.

He said that wives need to be obedient to their husbands.

One is not obedient to their husband because he is a man.

But because he is their husband.

It is a division of labor that is necessary for the accomplishment of a difficult and vital task.

It is as if you decide to take a long journey together, and to help one another cross a vast dessert.

Will you do your part? Yes.

Will you do your part? Yes.

Agreed.

Then let us embark.

There is a mutual dependence, and respect.

It is not that man is placed on the whole above woman.

It is rather than man is made as only a part,

of a whole

a whole that includes the wife.

They are not an andras and a gyneka –

But both together and inseparably are the androgyno.

How can you Man be better, or more important, or more valuable than your wife in the marriage,

when in a marriage you do not exist apart from her?

So when you look at a woman – every woman – know:

That you are looking at a person, like any person, and give her the due respect.

And when you look at your wife know:

That she – another person – and you, have agreed to work together

and have agreed to take on this task;

that each will do their part;

and that only with all the parts do you have a whole.

Without her you are not a boat – you are just some logs.

And give her the respect that is due.

But again, let me say it once more:

-       not every woman owes you obedience

-       and your wife is fulfilling a function and serving a role. Not for you ‘because you are king’. But for you and the entire family, and for God. Because you have a long way to go; because this is significant; because you are in the middle of a dessert, and however you do this, you need it to work.

She is carrying the same burden – sharing it with you. So work together as one, 
and show her the love that is due.

You are working together

You are in the army of God, on a mission together.

Co-operate, and be one another’s joy.

Rely on each other,

Trust one another,

And be one another’s shelter.

You are on enemy land;

You have one Commander;

You share a mission;

Co-operate

You have one another.

In response to my reader

Dear Gregor,

I wanted to say something regarding you comment to me the other day.

Particularly this: that we become attached to sin through our passions and our real actual needs and wants. That hence it is hard to even ‘want to be rid of sin’.

I have been reading and hearing some relevant theology around this matter recently, which I think goes a little something like this. (please forgive me my choppy use of these notions):

1. This summer I read a priest who says that the passions are not something bad that we need to uproot and be rid of. They are not as such evil energies that we need to eliminate and become flat. He says that these passions are the energies that God gave us, but they have become corrupted.

He says that God gave us infinite energies. If these energies are properly directed, towards God (that means also towards other people IN THE LOVE OF GOD) then all is great. They are infinite energies, and only the infinite Good can satisfy them. If they are turned towards God, then they are infinitely satisfied, and we are infinitely satisfied, without end.

But if these energies are directed away from their true aim – if they are directed towards creation which is finite and ‘created’ – then they are infinitely frustrated. Nothing created and limited can ever satisfy an infinite need. Nothing. 

They (your energies) will crush the creature through their force of infinite desire. And, alongside this, they will be left unsatisfied. And you will be left in pain. 

That is why we can only properly love one another through God. that is one reason why God says leave your family and friends and love me. turn everything to me. give everything to me. because it is ONLY in this manner that we can love one another, and appreciate creation. Only.

There is nothing wrong with creation. God made it. He saw it, and said that it is good.
there is nothing wrong with our energies, our wants and our desires. God made them, he saw them and was glad. he said they are good.
but you cannot direct your desires and needs towards the created.
It's not a sentimental matter, or even really plainly a moral matter. 
it is a matter of fact. 
these are the physical laws of spiritual reality.

Only the infinite can satisfy the infinite. Do not be rid of your energies, do not try to do away with them. We do not abolish the passions. We cleanse them and redirect them towards their real aim. they are our hands with which we will grab onto the Lord and have life eternal. (right now! life eternal includes the life right now also). God gave us these infinite energies so that we can be with him and share in his infinite goodness. 

We learn the truth about our selves and we seek that which is truly good and that which we actually really want.  
It's a matter of fact. 
The truth will set you free. 
Knowing the truth about yourself, and about God, will set you free. From all passionate attachment, from all sin, from every prison. 
Renew your ‘passions’, put them in the space of God where they are not crammed but they can grow and spread out like the skies. 

When we say only God is good, we mean it. we really mean it. do you see?

Realize that you are trying to eat something that could never feed you. 
And let sin go. Don’t waste your time.

2. We say ‘Accept Lord…the voice of my supplication…that I too may become a companion of the prudent virgins with the shining lamp of my soul, and may glorify you, God the Word, who are glorified with the Father and the Spirit. Amen.’

Be prudent. Yes, do seek for what you want and need. And you do need these things and more besides. Our needs and wants are in fact infinite. But don’t be an idiot. Look for life where you will actually find it.

But you don’t just want some theoretical relationship with God? You want relationships with other real people? You want people to see you and know you and communicate with you and love you and appreciate you and share with you? Of course you do. We all want that. But all that exists only in God. Without God, without the love of God, nothing can be together, the distance between persons can never be bridged. Not by anything. Not if you wear handcuffs with someone and live on top of each other. Not if you talk all day. Not even if you are inside one another all day. Nothing. Nothing can bridge the gap of isolation but the love of God. So let us not be idiots, but look for what we need there, where it actually is to be found.

3. St. seraphim of Sarov says: be prudent. Shop well. Spend your talents well. Do not be left without the light of God but go forth to the feast now while the doors are open.  Do not sell your inheritance for a bowl of soup.

4. So what I am trying to say is this: we don’t turn from sin so as to never be satisfied – sitting on a hill and meditating our way to zenland. We turn from sin because we really need to be satisfied, because we must be satisfied, because we have to. And we don’t waste time, we turn now, because we want it right now.

right here

right now.

we don’t settle for some pretend nonsense.

We don’t settle for anything. Nothing. (Don’t be an idiot)

we don’t follow a carrot we will never eat, we go to the Feast of feasts.

We know that our own will and our own wants are easily fooled and misdirected, and that – without the help of God – we are not even able of wanting that which we really want. So we say ‘May Your will be done and not mine’. Because God knows what we need and want – he made us. And he is good and loves mankind. And he came so that we may have life and have to the full. And we say ‘lead us not into temptation but deliver us from evil’ – because we know that we are surrounded by lies and that we have no discernment, and that if we are left to our own devices we will want the wrong things and stay hungry.

We say ‘give us this day our daily bread’ – because only God can do that. And because we need it. We turn to God because we are hungry. We are so hungry! We are starving. We want and we want and we want. Everything. We do not need to try to erase our hunger and then turn to God – pretending to be like immaterial spirits. No. We say ‘give us this day our daily bread’ oh God, you, who are the source of life and of all good things, lover of mankind, our only Savor. You, the only Source.

Read what Alexander Schmemman says in For the Life of the World. He says: you are what you eat.

Forgive me for being so presumptuous. 

The astute

of tricksters

the market place if full

they sell charades

and empty glamour

Do not be a fool. 

What father said (an essay or a poem)

In the market place of our life

- in the agora where we meet and act –

I want but one thing.

I will be shrewd

I should be smart

And being kind does not mean being soft and forever nicy

In the market place of our life

we ought not to be trampled on and robbed.

we should be keen and able traders

we should be smart

To keep our eye only on the greatest treasure

On the pearl of the greatest price

And not be run over by any cheap seller selling us crap.

I know what I want

I want it all.

I have my time 

I have my life

I have my soul

I will trade it all.

I know what I want.

I want everything.

What is the best price I can get for my time?

For the motion of my heart

and the inclinations of my mind

For my body 

For my education?

My thoughts?

My labor

My western privilege

My eastern heart

My intelligence

My beauty

My sexuality, my time, my ability, my weakness, my heart

With my past

my future

my people.

their opinion of me, and their acts?

My wealth,

my poverty, my power

my time.

How should I trade

and what can I get that will last me

and always be mine?

Glory to God, I know what I want.

(Do I need to say it?)

I will sell everything

And follow Christ.